Confession of the day. I just spent 10 minutes standing in my shower crying. Normally a hot shower is a luxury to be savoured, today I just can’t contain the emotions.
Tilda had her first set of vaccinations today. Luckily my Karl was on hand to hold her for the jabs. This was purely selfish on my part. I wanted to be the ‘comforter’ and the one to make it all better. I had premonitions beforehand of her looking up at me with a judgey little face that read “you bitch”.
Now I am a trained nurse. I’m fairly logical and clinical and would probably need to be close to death before I’d ring a doctor. I couldn’t actually sit in the room whilst she was having her jabs. That threw me. I did not expect that reaction. Pacing the room and throwing silent daggers at the she-devil who would pierce my baby’s skin.
Luckily it was all over quickly. We had a quick dose of calpol and a nap and I thought we had gotten away with it. A few giggles and a bit of playtime this afternoon seemed to have confirmed that.
It’s 19:45 now and since 15:00 we have had on/off screaming fits. Tears streaming down her tiny ruddy cheeks. A look that implores me to take her pain away. And I can’t. As she cried into my chest I could feel her sobs shattering my heart into ribbons.
I didn’t know I could feel like this. I will be up on temperature duty tonight but I hope she sleeps well.
So here I am. Crying in the shower listening to Karl soothe baby Matilda’s whimpers downstairs. So this is what being a mum is all about?